Locked
Our mental health stories post COVID-19 lockdown
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I lost my gran to Covid during the lockdown and I couldn’t be there to say goodbye. She died alone in a nursing home and that’s something I will never recover from. I still feel such trauma and anger at what we all went through.
I feel anxious at the thought of traveling because of so many canceled flights and restrictions and the fear of getting sick from other passengers.
I don’t enjoy going out to busy events or places anymore, I’ve become a lot more introverted and spend most of my time at home which feels isolating.
I don’t know if I’ll ever feel the way I did before lockdown but I’m trying. Some days are overwhelming and others feel ok- it’s a journey…
Mental health check: Fair
Has the Covid-19 lockdown influenced your mental health?: Strongly Agree
Do you feel like your mental health struggles have manifested in physical forms?: Yes
What would you do differently?: Be more open about how I felt. Let the grief and anger out. Trust that people have my back and understand and share in the trauma. Live more for today!
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During the Covid lockdown my mental health improved, I was so calm. I was unemployed and was able to fully focus on myself. Thankfully I lived in the mountains and I always had access to nature. I spent my days reading, writing, and making art. However; two years ago I moved to an entirely new country. The world felt like it was recovering. As a neurodivergent, I was relearning how to exist in society, and having to deal with the culture shock and the death of my grandmother while being unable to go back in time was devastating. I fell back into depression, I am still recovering. I felt like I lost so many aspects of myself. Reality was far from the sanctuary I had created for myself during the lockdown. Life went back to what we label as "normal".
So I am not really sure about how many things have impacted my mental health. But I am sure that the world trying to go back to normal that does not seem truly healthy for us reminded me of western civilization and it's harsh perspective on life and productivity.
Covid opened my eyes to a lot of the things that mattered":
Love, connection with nature, curiosity, resilience, passion, and just accepting that life must be defined differently.
Mental health check: Very good
Has the Covid-19 lockdown influenced your mental health?: Agree
Do you feel like your mental health struggles have manifested in physical forms?: Yes
What would you do differently?: Unlearn what society dictates as normal. Unlearn that I am supposed to always be productive.
To embrace and be mindful of every moment and seek out the things that inspire me.
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During the Covid-19 lockdown, I was at what felt like one of the lowest points in my life. I was unemployed, battling depression and staying at my family home. With all the news and fearmongering surrounding the virus, I started to develop a feeling of emotional claustrophobia while being stuck at home which manifested in different physical forms, more specifically as fear of choking every time I ate any kind of food. And for two years, I felt isolated, helpless, and unable to help myself.
After some time and some encouragement from my friends who were doing therapy, I've decided to explore the option myself. I started doing therapy around the same time the world started to go back to "normal." I thought by doing therapy it would magically solve all my mental health problems, but little did I know that it will take a very long time. I still struggle with anxiety and it still manifests in different ways whether physical or mental. I still feel emotionally claustrophobic being alone in a closed space and it feels paralyzing at times. I sometimes feel anxious before traveling long distances. I feel anxious about feeling anxious and judge myself for having mental health issues. I know I'm not alone, yet I find it so difficult to open up and ask for help from those closest to me. Perhaps it comes from a place of perfectionism (wanting to seem like I've got it all together), or from a place of shame, or the stigma surrounding having any kind of mental health issues. I try to seek support at times when my anxiety doesn't paralyze me into thinking that asking for help is weakness. I try to quiet it down and attend to the child/adult in me with compassion that has gone through the traumatic experience of being under lockdown due to Covid-19. I still don't know what the solution to overcoming these mental health struggles is and I wonder if it will be like this forever. Hopefully it will not.
Mental health check: Fair
Has the Covid-19 lockdown influenced your mental health?: Strongly Agree
Do you feel like your mental health struggles have manifested in physical forms?: Yes
What would you do differently?: I would've sought therapy much earlier. I would have more courage to ask for help from those that I love and love me. I would be kinder to myself. I would try to find ways to calm the alarms going off in my head whenever I'm alone in a closed space. I would remind myself that we were never meant to live or figure out life on our own, that we're social creatures and it's okay to seek support.
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I’ve always struggled with anxiety, and only later in my life (before COVID) did it begin to manifest physically in the form of stomach aches and bowl issues. These symptoms left me feeling so anxious and uncomfortable in my body, and ultimately had an impact on my capacity to leave my apartment, and be in spaces, where I did not have easy access to a bathroom. And living in a city like NYC definitely didn’t help.
So when COVID started and we were forced to stay inside l actually felt a reduction in my anxiety and subsequent somatic symptoms. However, in the long run, I came to realize that the lockdown only made my symptoms worse when things started to open up again. I found that I had become comfortable and safe in my set up at home, not having to leave meant I had access to a restroom when I needed it and in turn it reduced my anxiety levels. However, with the slow return to reality I found myself really struggling to push past the anxiety that came up as l was preparing to leave my apartment. I noticed that I became more hesitant to accepting invitations to socialize and more likely to decline seeing friends if the meeting point involved a longer commute. If I did agree to an outing - the moments leading up to leaving were often filled with heart palpitations, rumination on all the things that could go wrong if I left, and an intense stomach ache. I came to realize that the lockdown provided me with the worst possible way to deal with my anxiety which was to avoid, retreat, and disconnect. In addition, it prevented me from putting myself in situations that would help me challenge my anxious thoughts.
Over the last couple of years, I have done a lot of work on my own and with my therapist to expose myself to uncomfortable situations (commuting to further places around the city, accepting more social invitations) in order to challenge the anxiety and associated beliefs. This helped me build more confidence in myself to navigate stressful situations. While I still feel these physical symptoms sometimes, I have come to see them as ways in which my body is communicating something important to me. And in those moments where I am stressing about the possibility that my physical symptoms will appear, I trust that I will be able to deal with the anxiety when it arises.
Mental health check: Very good
Has the Covid-19 lockdown influenced your mental health?: Strongly Agree
Do you feel like your mental health struggles have manifested in physical forms?: Yes
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Throughout the Covid-19 lockdown my mental and physical health struggles were amplified, yet my determination to understand my emotions and get better made me see the light at the end of the tunnel. After the lockdown, I found myself lost, uninspired, unmotivated, and generally struggling mentally and physically. The pandemic has made me lose track of my vision for my future. I’m a person who mastered pushing every emotion or thought aside, yet this was what built up my anxiety, stress, and depression levels. Hence, having the world unlock to open up the door again to opportunities and possibilities has caused added pressure. It felt like I have to do everything and be the best just because now there’s no excuse. Personally, the lockdown has made me discover so many hidden emotions and thoughts I had. Thus this has incredibly helped me solve some of my struggles and become who I am today. Now I know, understand, and love myself better because I’ve been meaning to find inner peace.
Mental health check: Good
Has the Covid-19 lockdown influenced your mental health?: Strongly Agree
Do you feel like your mental health struggles have manifested in physical forms?: Yes
What would you do differently?: I would take advantage of the lockdown to reach some of my goals in reaching a ground and stable mental health. As my mental health has caused me to lose 10KG in under a month and increased my body image insecurity. Hence, I believe unraveling my emotions at the time would have helped in avoiding or limiting weight loss.
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For the 10 years of working prior to the pandemic, I considered myself an artist and a student. Throughout my education, I supported myself through teaching and bartending. When the pandemic hit in 2020, I couldn’t do theatre, I couldn’t teach in person, and I couldn’t bartend, rendering all of the valuable skills I’d learned over the past decade absolutely useless. My struggle with mental health during the pandemic had to do with combating the feeling of complete worthlessness in a time of stillness, when I’d previously derived my worth from how busy I was.
Mental health check: Very good, Good
Has the Covid-19 lockdown influenced your mental health?: Agree
Do you feel like your mental health struggles have manifested in physical forms?: Sometimes
What would you do differently?: I would have definitely utilized professional help sooner. I think that if therapy was more normalized prior to the pandemic, many more people would have found it easier to seek help.
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I was someone who loved working and exhausted myself working - in college, I was a part of a lot of communities and a leader in one, it took a toll on my health as I had ongoing personal issues with this burden, I wasn’t able to function well.
Initially, the first 2 weeks was such a bliss. I was able to focus on myself without any distractions and stay committed to my health.
As the number of cases increased, a lot of unsettling thoughts entered my mind - my mom who is a stroke patient and is immobile could have serious implications if she got the virus and it was a looming fear, it still is.
The lockdown helped me in a lot of ways, I was able to explore a more creative side of myself, I coloured my hair, painted, joined a cosmetic company remotely and was at a peak in my life.
Now being back to the new normal it is consuming, I’m not great with interacting with humans in person and this new job has forced me into it.
I’m privileged to have the resources that I had when the pandemic started and will forever be grateful to have a roof over my head.
My story may not resonate with the large majority which suffered but hey, that was my experience.
I also dealt with a break up of a really toxic relationship during this time and was so glad to have the lockdown as I know that they would’ve showed up at my doorstep and would’ve coerced me into getting back with them.
Im truly thankful for those few weeks, it saved me in a lot of ways and showed me that new love does exist.
Mental health check: Good
Has the Covid-19 lockdown influenced your mental health?: Agree
Do you feel like your mental health struggles have manifested in physical forms?: Yes
What would you do differently?: I try to go on a walk when I feel stiffness in my chest and lower back, I tend to hold pain in these areas.
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It’s hard to imagine how much chaos an extended stretch of silence can cause. It’s even harder to understand how this chaos becomes part of the organised furniture in your mind. Bed, pillow, plant and everything down to the keys you can’t find. The pen that lies in the spot where pens don’t go. The carpet with stubborn edges that curl. At some point all this chaos was confused and accepted as mundanity. And though the mundane tends to numb the brain, I also became too attentive to the details of my surroundings, the meaninglessness of the vase of flowers, when all I wanted to do was sleep and forget that I should have become more in all the time that came before this. That I should have said why my heart ached for him. I should have let someone hold my hand. I should have told them why I quit. Why I was the perfect fit. I should have called my grandpa. Spent more time with him despite a ticket’s insistence that I leave. I wanted to forget that it was now too late. I’d lost. A grandpa. Friends. Places. Memories that I wanted to make. The only thing I’d gained was weight. On my shoulders. Around my waist. I mourned all the time before and beyond those closed windows and doors. Before this silence. The silence has supposedly come and gone, but it left a mess of loss and stress in the corridor on its way out. I am stuck in the aftertaste of could have been’s. Stuck with a fear of losing everything. A fear of trying and drowning in more guilt. I am grateful for the freedom, but I am always expecting the curtains to close and wrap around my throat on their way down. I am always worried about the people I love across the distance. People I may never reach again. I can’t shake this feeling that it’s too late for me. I can’t shake the fear of losing somebody dear to me. What would I do. How would I breathe. And yet. And yet. The keys always show up somewhere eventually. The pen is always there when you need it. The organised chaos proves useful. I don’t know how to be but I still feel. Everything. And I’m told that means I’m alive.
Mental health check: Good
Has the Covid-19 lockdown influenced your mental health?: 1
Do you feel like your mental health struggles have manifested in physical forms?: Sometimes
What would you do differently?: I would embrace the quiet. Allow it to heal the gaping sores where all our time once was.
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I was in lockdown alone in a different country when COVID hit. I have just finished my studies and found a new job that allowed me to work remotely. However, the isolation was what hit me the most, and what made it even worse was the unexpected breakup from my 5-year relationship (cheating involved, and I won't say more). I couldn't really talk to anyone about this because I knew a lot of people were finding these times really hard. I didn't want to tell my family and friends that I was having a hard time because I didn't want them to worry, especially since I was living on my own.
The only thing that kept me going was my job. It was a very busy time at work since it was also related to the COVID-19 response. I'd take on more tasks and work more hours. I'd also work on other volunteer jobs to keep me busy. I've tucked all my painful emotions aside since I was already too busy with tasks at hand. I slept 2-3 hours a day, ate hardly anything, and wouldn't even see the sunlight for days.
After 2-3 months, COVID restrictions were lifted in the state I was residing. One of my close friends from university was coming to town and asked if she could stay with me since she is also not from the area. I accommodated her and was excited for her to stay since I didn't really have anyone with me for the past months. When she arrived, she couldn't help but notice how pale and stressed I looked. At that point, I was already burnt out. I was physically unwell and was just feeling numb inside. She would cook meals for us, invite me to join her on her afternoon walks and we'd talk more about how things were going in our home countries. But one evening, we were having drinks on the balcony and she opened up about how difficult she's been finding this experience to be. Her opening up allowed me to open up as well.
After 5 months of holding everything in, I finally opened up and cried. This was the first time I felt a slight relief like a big weight had been lifted from my chest. I talked about my breakup and how I've been drowning myself with work and other things in order not to think about the pain I've been feeling. She told me she could tell with how much I've been working and not eating at all if she doesn't cook. We both had daily reflection time and would support each other through the hard times. The daily talks we had helped me move on, and the most important thing she helped me realize was the importance of learning to love oneself - and this includes seeking help.
After that experience, she shared a counseling hotline that I can access. Since then, I have had monthly counseling sessions to check in with my mental health. I've also started having my own reflection days to be in check with myself. I've also learned to listen to what my body needs, may it be sunlight, food, water, or even days when I need to satisfy a sweet tooth with gelato. The most important thing is that I learned to love myself. And loving myself means I get to give more love to the things I do and the people around me.
Mental health check: Very good
Has the Covid-19 lockdown influenced your mental health?: Agree
Do you feel like your mental health struggles have manifested in physical forms?: Yes
What would you do differently?: I would have been more open and seek help earlier - as well as listen to what my body needs.
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Covid arrived in Canada just a few weeks after I buried one of my relatives abroad. So when I came back I was already struggling with grief (grieves because it was the 8th relative I buried since 2012). Being locked didn't really help I think because I was with my own thoughts, my own mind and it was dark. I reached for help with a therapist because I was helpless and this was kind of my last resort. Lockdown was good and bad because I needed to be alone and also not too alone. Not mention that I was sick (physical pain due to grief). Therapy helped a lot but it was very very hard to deal with my emotions. Now I can say therapy helped me even though i'm still struggling but one step at time , right ? I've come a long way, I guess.
Mental health check: Good
Has the Covid-19 lockdown influenced your mental health?: Neutral
Do you feel like your mental health struggles have manifested in physical forms?: Sometimes
What would you do differently?: I don't even know. The only thing I would think of is probably see my grandma one last time like I plan to before she passed.