For•give

Dear M,

It’s been a while since we last spoke but I survived. 

I fell for you hard, so so hard. No one has ever had that effect on me. You were like a drug. I was ready to be and do anything for you and with that came so much pain because the feeling was never mutual.

I never thought I’d be able to go a day without thinking of you with an aching pain in my chest. But I did, and I do... I am alive and I am well. Your memory occasionally brushes my heart but the pain no longer resides there. It took such a long time to emotionally, mentally and psychologically get back on my feet again without falling onto my knees at the very sight of you. Today my heart feels full again. 

I forgive you for being emotionally absent. I forgive you for the manipulation, I forgive you for making me feel like loving you meant harming myself, abandoning myself, engaging in self destruction and lighting myself on fire so I can keep you warm. I forgive you. I forgive you for it all because in the process I turned into ashes and now I am able to resurrect myself like a phoenix. I forgive you and I want to thank you, because in the consuming pain of losing you, I’m finding my way back to myself again.

•••

Dear N,

I’m pretty sure that I’ve not fully forgiven you yet; things are too recent for me but I guess forgiveness is a process and it could well start here. 

Our time together was short but it felt sweeter than much of the rest. Your handsomeness warmed my eyes. Your intellect warmed my soul. Your sensual touch warmed my skin. Your care and affection warmed my heart. But your words and actions were discrepant.

I won’t lie, I still wish you’d wake up one morning and do everything to rid us of those discrepancies. But we were not on the same page, we are not on the same page.

All I can be now is grateful. Grateful that you helped me realize this wasn’t meant to be. Grateful that next time handsomeness, intellect, sensuality, care and attention won’t suffice. Grateful that discrepancies won’t suffice. Grateful that not being on the same page won’t suffice. Grateful that I’ve realized self-love will more than suffice. 

I’m worth a love much greater than what you could provide me with and self-love will tide me over unless I’m shown something greater.

•••

Dearest M,

all memories fade
yet seem eternally present in the distance 
I often wonder if these were indeed true memories
or words that I had endlessly recited
in attempts to convince myself 
that I’d found someone 
equally misunderstood 
I am not certain 
that you will be remembered

•••

Dear S,

There are things I wish I had done differently. There are things I wish you had done differently. This letter is not so much about those things though. It is about acceptance, resolution, and progress. 

At first it was easier to be angry at you- to dismiss each passing thought of you with spite. It was cathartic to privately condemn and curse you but now it feels more toxic than anything else. Therefore, for the sake of my own sanity and peace, I choose to forgive you. Hopefully, in doing this, I will allow myself the freedom I need to grow without you but, at the very least, I can expect to be consumed by annoying but positive thoughts. 

So I wish you nothing but the best- now and in each of the hopefully tapering moments my thoughts veer towards you in the future. 

•••

Dear K, 

I can forgive you for being broken. I can forgive you for being damaged. I can forgive you for being hopeless. 
I can understand the difference between what you did with intention and what you did through habit. 
I can forgive you for a lot, but not everything, and that's because I reserve understanding for myself. 
You broke my heart, but not because you wanted to, but because I was stupid enough to give you something so fragile to handle when you weren't capable. 
I know that the reasons you hurt me are the reasons that I hurt you.
And I forgive us both.

•••

Dear J,

The very first time you told me you loved me, it was under a pitch black night sky, as we laid on our backs watching airplanes take off to unknown destinations. 

“I love you” you ejected excitedly, and my heart rose like the plane on the tarmac 

I asked you to say it again because I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. How could a person so intelligent, sensitive, and peacefully ordinary love me? 

I said it back and you cried. I kept saying it as weeks turned into months, and months turned into years. As our love grew, so did my fear. A lingering fear I developed on the tarmac. 

I was afraid I would never be able to give you what you were giving me. 

You gave me a love so strong it made my heart hurt. You promised me everything from money, to children, to a kidney (should I ever need one). You promised to still find me sexy even when my skin wrinkled and my eyes ceased to work. You promised to never hold me back, and always hold me down. No matter what. 

I wonder if my heart is capable of such love? I’m afraid it isn’t. If I couldn’t get my heart to work well enough to love you back the way you deserve, perhaps it’s started off broken in the first place. 

When I asked for a break from this exhausting all consuming love, you erased any trace of us. Our pictures, and our memories faded into the night sky like an airplane. I still don't know my destination. 

You certainly broke my heart, but I broke yours as well. I guess in the end, I finally got to give back what you were giving to me, and you held me down so hard I suffocated.

•••

Dear R,

I have broken your heart and you have broken mine. 

I still remember the feeling of my cheek on your chest the last time we hugged. 

You said it clearly, that would have been the last one. You didn't want to see me, ever again. I could die at the sides of the pavement, you said. You would not have even tried to touch me.  

I never told you that I never did what you thought I had done. Not telling you was my decision.

I could physically feel my heart crumbling. Tears were running down my cheeks, I looked into your blue eyes aware I would not see them again. I felt empty. 

But I forgive you. I forgive you for everything you said to me and to our friends. I forgive you because before that afternoon you gave me happiness and I gave it to you. I forgive you because those words didn't come from the you I knew, but from the you I had hurt allowing you to assume the false. I forgive you because you are the only one to whom I gave my heart. 

I walked away that afternoon with the clearest memory of your delicate smell, your blue eyes, your smooth pale skin.

•••

Dear S, 

It’s been a while. Ten years, and I imagine you don’t think of our time together much. But I’m writing to forgive you. I’ve held my heart as a fist for too long, and it is time to let a few things go.

It’s not that I dwell on you; I’m afraid you mostly come up as an anecdote thrown into the acrid end of a girls’ night. 
So first he... and then he... but all the time he… 
And I list the experience as a reason to resist trust. 

But recently I had to pull out some emails from that time, and found myself reading another narrative. A kinder me, who loved you, even in the aftermath. Who stayed to see if I could understand your acts of self-destruction. I’d forgotten about that version of events, and the fragile stillness of that time afterwards, when we held each other, and trying to work out if we could be repaired.  

Forgiveness is often thought of as an act of generosity, of letting go. But when I re-read those emails I was reminded that my stories are partial; my memory fragmental. It’s not hard to restore you to the complexity of your flaws, your insecurity, your remorse, your love and your joy. So perhaps forgiveness is as much an act of revision as release, of re-balancing stories that were distorted by pain, or by the act of re-telling. I’m remembering to forgive.  

I loved a man once, but he was trapped in a struggle which caused us both pain, which broke something that might have worked. It’s a rubbish anecdote. It won’t drop my girlfriends’ jaws. But it might help me unfurl. 

I remember you liked me describing you as a ‘maximalist’. 
I’m hereby rewriting your infidelity as maximalist. It actually makes me smile. 

I hope you and your family are thriving, and that fatherhood has been all that you hoped it would be.

•••

Dear H,

My first love. I forgive you for not caring. I forgive you for cheating. I forgive you for not being direct with your emotions. I forgive you as we both have grown. I forgive you x

•••

Dear N,

Yes my first and most crucial heartbreak was drawn upon me, through my own doing. You made it look like it was extremely hard to live, to stand back on your feet. You pulled me into a series of messed up situations which were unreal, you caused me to hate you and to loathe everything that I stand for. You made me think crying is weak, and that hiding my emotion is what makes me a strong individual.
I pulled myself up and decided that was enough. I detached myself from you in order to understand how to find attachment in a healthier way. 
Thank you for being the messed up contradiction that shaped me into who I am today. I will never stop forming myself into the best version of myself.
I love you, I forgive you and I will always be proud of the mess that got us to who we are today.

•••

Dear D, 

You’re the one who broke my heart. I never trusted men because of you, I hated you so much. 
I spent my childhood trying to be the perfect daughter but is was never enough for you. Since I remember you humiliated me, you made me feel stupid, worthless, like a mistake. I cried so much because of you, you were always on my mind. Trust me I hated you like I never hated anyone in my life but it’s time to forgive you.

•••

Dear S,

I had no intention to forgive you. 
No one disrespected me as much as you did in my life. 
But everything passes. 
Now, I cannot believe you were once cruel. 
I tend to see the best in people and so, 
I want to remember the best of you. 
As time goes by, my heart feels lighter in my chest. 
Ready to love again, 
Ready to give again. 
You know how I feel... 
I wish you the same.

•••

Dear L & Dear R,

I don’t know if i’m ever going to fully forgive you or forgive her. Six months ago you two were my everything. When you cheated you ripped out a piece of my heart. I used to feel safe with you two, now I feel betrayed. I was hurt. I keep reminiscing the memories but in a different way now. When I remember you, I remember the good you. So I forgive you for breaking my heart. I forgive you for loving her over me and I forgive her for betraying my trust. You showed me who you were and I needed that.

•••

Dear M,

I never thought of writing you a forgiveness letter, I always feel that we’re not done yet, its been 5 months of depression, I gained weight, and lost the taste of life. Nothing makes me feel alive but picturing you in my head over and over again.
When you walked away I blamed myself, for rushing and pushing things, I thought this would get you closer, but it didn’t.
I forgive myself for being vulnerable, and I forgive you for not appreciating it.

•••

Dear S,

I forgive you for the pain you caused and for the many tears you brought on. I forgive you for letting me go when I wasn't ready to leave. I forgive you because I can now see how much my life has changed for the better.

Although sometimes I still ask myself why, but what I know for sure is that when I started writing this, I realized that I’m not writing this to actually forgive you, but to thank you. 
Thank you for all the good times we spent together. 
Thank you for making me feel loved. 
Thank you for making me love you. 
And thank you for not making me wonder where I went wrong. 
And I’m sorry the circumstances didn’t give us the chance to be together. 
But because of this heart break I’ve had all the of the opportunities and experiences that I have had since we broke up. I’ve gotten to see the world, explored new paths, made new choices -that I never would have made if I were still with you- , and above all, I got to know the real me, never have I better understood who I am. And most importantly, I met the love of my life. 
Our paths came together for a reason. We laughed and loved. We grew together and then we grew apart. I truly hope that you find happiness because I have found mine. 
I guess the only thing that made me hung up on this heart break, is the second reason why I’m writing this letter. It is not because it was the most severe, but because I broke your heart too. 
So this is my apology to you.
I’m sorry I broke your heart, and I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry for all the sleepless nights, the regrets, and the way I sometimes treated you. So for that, I hope you forgive me too. 

In the end, you were not a mistake. You were a lesson well learnt, and I am so thankful that I learned, even if it took a little bit of heartbreak to get me there.

•••

Dear J,

I have never had the chance to say what I’ve always wanted to, I was even scared to write it in my diary so I wouldn’t be reminded of it every time I read it.
You opened your heart to me and spit all the truth. That one conversation that will always be stuck in my mind and soul. I broke your heart. 
I broke your heart but you still love me so much you chose to forgive me. You know i’m a good person and I never meant to hurt you. But sometimes life treats me badly and I seem to transmit all the bad vibes to you until you’re harshly hurt. 
Thank you. You’ve shown me what I haven’t seen. I am a good person, but at times I only hurt people that I love, because I think they will forever stay with me no matter what. And I was right, but it’s only because I have a forgiving person like you.
I hope you really forgive me. We’re still together but my heart is broken because I broke yours. 
Even if you forgive me, will I ever forgive myself?

•••

Dear _,

I get it. It was more of an emotional connection between us, not intimate. Not sexual. Not physical. But does heartbreak have to be emotional only? I’ve never experienced such a feeling in my stomach. When you came back from Australia and told me you got a boyfriend now, I really didn’t know at the time that another person’s words can have such an impact on my body. I didn't expect this. Actually I learnt a lot from it, about love and about myself. It came to a point where I now understand your perspective. I think it was for the best that we burnt all the bridges between us. Actually, I think I have to thank you for it, because perhaps otherwise I would still be bound to your lips. I forgive you. I forgive you, because I know your story, and I know the demons that drive you. This is definitely not an excuse for you to be an asshole. But through this realization and rationalization I came to terms with it. I genuinely wish you all the best.

•••

Dear M,

I just called you to tell you that I left home. I wish we could’ve remained friends, but you are not interested in staying in touch with me.
It was not a long relationship but it was hard. The hardest part was when I saw you dating and getting closer to someone else even though I was still around.
Sorry that I forgot it was just an experience and got attached to you. I lost my direction somehow. I never wanted to lose you, but you didn't answer my final call. We started as long known and ended up as long lost.
I wish you kindness and compassion.

•••

Dear I, 

The day we went our separate ways, it felt like a funeral.

Your words hit me across the head, and your actions buried my soul six feet under, but the truth is, I dug my own grave. I continuously served you full platters of love, feeding your satisfaction and needs
for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, while I went to sleep hungry and woke up empty; until I lost a sense of me!

While others may shift blame on you for claiming that perhaps “you never took the time to love me correctly”, I will take full responsibility for not giving myself the time to love it correctly… I did not love myself with the same intensity, passion or enthusiasm.

I wrote you saying "Life would go on, but one day I promise you would wake up, feeling all jumbled up, missing all of me annoyingly. You wouldn’t be able to speak because panic will take your breath away. You would lust after me, and you will cry your heart out. Bitterly you will regret every single second you spent not appreciating my presence or pure feelings."

When this happened to you, I was nursing my wounds; I was trying to glue my broken and scattered pieces of my heart back together! 
I thought to myself that I had dedicated myself with all my heart to help you cross this path; but you refused and with all of your thoughtlessness, impatience and rough words that crushed me; however I came to understand that my strengths lay in my vulnerabilities! 

It is not all about love, but everything starts with passion. You couldn’t enjoy nor silence the loudness of my love, and you couldn’t handle the intensity of the music…and I could still look you straight in the eyes, go through them and was brave enough to believe still that you are the most kindhearted, inspiring and strong man I've known after my Father! 

YOU minded my words, you kept our dreams and ever since that day you have been fighting and working fiercely to become the Man, I have always looked up to even in the darkest of the moments... every time you achieved sth, you came back thanking me and praising what an inspiration goddess I was and still is for you!

You made me strangely realize how unstoppable we both are! but most importantly you opened my eyes to how influential I am. You also made me acknowledge what a beautiful, loving, caring, independent, strong, powerful, inspiring, kindhearted, peaceful, and most importantly confident human being, friend and partner I am!

I can no longer predict what is coming our way...but believe still that we will be together. I do not know how pathetic or even naive this might sound to the world... I will be waiting! 

Finally, I want to thank you for making these two years unforgettable, unique, precious and full of inspiring break downs!

•••

Dear L,

I don’t know how I’m going to start this but here we go.
I want to thank you for the memories and all the love. Our friends say that what you did is unforgivable. You knew how hard it is for me to trust people but regardless, you did what you did.

I need time to heal from the damage you’ve done. I’ll forgive you for breaking my trust and lying to me. I’ll forgive you someday.

•••

Dear C,

You left me feeling very broken. What you did to me I can't really understand, but I guess I can understand why. But then the why is the crux of it all. You surrounded yourself with toxic people who I think affirmed very negative behavioural traits and ideologies on how to treat others. But it is what it is. There's such a narrative that damaged people hurt other people, but then where do we draw our lines of agency? Where do voices like mine get heard beyond the rhetoric of your personal trauma? 

It took me a long time to realise that I was in an abusive relationship, that you were gaslighting me, that you were lying when you said you and the friend you cheated on me with were platonic. 

I now realise that I was with a narcissist, and that's probably evident in the fact you still message me occasionally accusing me of cheating on you with people I barely knew, long before you did it to me.

I sound bitter. I'll probably always be bitter. But I'm glad you're no longer in my life, I'm glad I cut you out and cut you off. That said, I still believe you're a damaged person and I wish you'd stop using drugs and alcohol to cover that up, but it isn't my responsibility any more. So I wish you all the best, and, yes, I forgive you. And that's not to say it wasn't a two-way street, but, for me, I'm accepting of everything. I wish you nothing but peace and healing.

•••

Dear S, 

I broke us both. So slowly, I broke us. 

I thought with destination plotted we’d find land. I thought we’d sail far, on high tides from the pasts we’d endured to find more than what had been before us. 

But I was wrong. 

I miss those times. That feeling of adventure. Of finding a partner to build a boat to take us away together. Those times when sex was made for us, and only us could do it. Where we became strange creatures of strange playing, together, full mast, knots in close quarters.

But the cabin became feverous as I came to see - I was running. No voyage to the new but a retreat from the past, a past that was mine to embrace, not defeat, and one I had to realize alone. 

They say find someone who loves you, who loves for who you are. But who I was wasn’t good enough. 

Not for me. 

And as I got closer towards who I felt I was, my efforts were met with disapproval and fear, not spoken so, but glanced with eyes then widening to loss - we knew it would happen. 

Once, we’d travel far to see the world, and see it more through screen. But through screen more our lives took place, til places became place and we travelled no further, no farther reaches explored it was all left to others - and what treasures once ours became worn from use, til my skin was thorned and my vision rust coloured, I couldn’t go on - I’m sorry.

And now at parties we pass at night. 
Like ships by moon full our light silhouetted, lives find new pull, regrets untethered. But friends? I don’t know if we can...

So by my hand I lost my partner, I lost her to the sea. And to the sea go the memories, to the sea those times adored.

And now to horizons I wait, awaiting my friend to see. And when the moon is full you’ll see me there, stood longing by the shore.

•••

Dear R,

You were the love of my life. I cannot deny and it is no secret to anyone. I fell hard for you. 

We made so many plans together, we dreamt and we lived so many things. When you left me for no reason I thought I was going to die. Literally. I spent days without eating, without leaving my house, without moving. Being awake was an agony and sleeping did not help at all since you were always present in my dreams. I tried for months to save the situation that was already long lost. Lost to another woman. A friend of mine.

Only I know what I've been through, how much you’ve hurt me. Only I know that even years after it still hurts to see you.

But I forgive you. I forgive you for breaking my heart into so many pieces that I’m still trying to stick. I forgive you for making me doubt love. I forgive you for turning my heart into stone. I forgive you for making me think that I would never love again. I forgive you for making me look like a fool. I forgive you for putting me into a deep depression. I forgive you for making me think it was my fault. I forgive you for making me feel like less than nothing. I forgive you for making me forget who I am. I forgive you for living the dreams that we dreamt together with another person and accomplishing the plans that I have made for us without me.

I forgive you. Not because you deserve forgiveness, but because I deserve a fresh start.

•••

Dear Y,

You came out of the blue and into my life. I was not expecting or looking for anyone, but you came and stayed. It was good. You saved me from an emotional breakdown when I thought I was going to sink myself. You were the light at the end of the tunnel, the hand that pulled me from rock bottom. I know... It sounds deep for someone who was not even a real boyfriend. I wanted to thank you for saving me from my own darkness, so I decided to give myself to you and help you in any way I could. I wanted to be good to you. I wanted to repay the good that you gave me.

Even when I told myself that it was nothing serious and forced myself not to get too involved, I got involved. I never learn. But don’t you think it was because you were someone exceptional or my endgame. No. It was simply because I’m too good. I was too good to you when you did not deserve it. I cooked for you. I helped you write your CV. I helped you get the job of your dreams. I dreamt with you. I gave you strength, support, home, food and affection. Things I only provide to a few people. I was your friend above all else. I was blinded and could not see what was happening in front of my eyes. You were only into me out for what was in it for you, interest and opportunity.

At the end, you were just another ungrateful opportunist who gave up on me when you thought you found something better. But it's alright. It’s your loss. You lost someone who genuinely liked you. It’s your loss because I could’ve been someone special, even just as a friend.

But because I'm too good, I forgive you. I forgive you for treating me as an option and not as a priority. I forgive you for using me as your pawn. I forgive you for being an idiot. I forgive you for acting purely out of interest. I forgive you for having viewed my message and not responded. I forgive you for coming to talk to me and not asking how I was doing. I forgive you for saying that you wanted to be my friend and not making any effort. I forgive you. But more than that, I pray and cheer for you in order for you to become a better person, learn from your mistakes and know how to value the people who really care about your well-being.

•••

Dear B,

I thought I was over you, I thought that you broke my heart enough times for me to let you go.
But you never left my heart.
I know I hurt you, abandoned you, killed you in all possible ways. But your reaction was very harsh, it was too much for me to handle, more like impossible to handle. 
It took me three years to realize that I was lost without you, that I did hurt you as much as I loved you.
Throughout these three years my heart felt empty, lonely, and thirsty.
My eyes were looking for you everywhere.
But when I came back it was too late. I have lost you, I know that now.
You are married now.
You have always told me that the love we shared is irreplaceable and that I am unforgettable and that your love for me is eternal.
But what happened now? Did you find a warmer lap?
Did you find a kinder heart? Do you love her eyes? Do you look at her the way you looked at me? Does her love make your head spin? Do you breath in her ear and kiss her neck?
How could you? Three years passed, and I never felt warmth like I did with you. I could not feel something as honest and real for anyone else, I tried but I couldn’t.

Oh how much I miss you.
Oh how broken my heart feels.
I am sorry my broken heart,
but you have to forgive him, because you love him.

•••

Dear O,

We were together for about a year, you were my boyfriend. You were far too generous for your own good. Alas, on 5th of march 2018, you said ‘enough is enough.’ Left me standing in the rain with no phone to call you.

I forgive you for letting me go without a real reason. For breaking my heart.

I will find another one day.

Your once broken Juliet.

•••

Dear G,

Thank you for accepting me wholly.
Thank you for loving me endlessly.

I am sorry for the things I said because I knew you’d still love me anyway. I forgive you today the same. I guess I thought that’s what it was all about anyway. Leaving fear at the door because there is unconditional love regardless. Sorry for all the hurt, but also thank you for your sincerity and the way we both grew from it.

Stay sincere, love yourself with the same authenticity.

The world will keep turning.

•••

Dear I,

Sometimes people don’t deserve to be forgiven. Sometimes the things you do stay with someone forever. Memories that don’t fade, wounds that don’t heal.

I guess I have resigned myself to the fact that I will have to keep those moments locked away in a deep corner of my brain. Acknowledged but ignored. Built up the defenses around that deep dark place so it can never hurt you again… so you can never hurt me again.

I don’t know if I will ever be able to forgive myself for not speaking out sooner, so how can I begin to forgive you?

Sometimes people don’t deserve to be forgiven. Sometimes the things you do will stay with someone forever… I hope it doesn’t.

•••

Dear T,

It is hard to write these words that “I forgive you.” We were together for eight years, though we did not live with each other. We were engaged for six of those as I saw a glimmer in you so I proposed. On Christmas day 2014, you said you could no longer be with me. My heart was broken, thought you hated me. On 12th of March 2019, I found out you married an ex work colleague you dated after dumping me.

I forgive you.

•••

Dear G,

It’s been a while since we’ve not been a couple anymore. We’re not sharing a bed, not sharing the pain and sorrow. I’ve never been happier now that I am able to detach myself from you, this is the best thing I’ve done so far.

But I wonder why we still have to see each other, speak and share things until now?

I wonder if the power you had over me all these years still makes me want to be around you till this day. Why can’t I say no when you ask for help? Why can’t I say yes when you ask me if I never want to see you again?

I don’t know if I forgive you, you were my worst nightmare when I used to come home. You were there again when I tried to live by myself.

Today is Friday and it’s sunny outside. I’m supposed to see you tomorrow but I don’t know if I should. I would certainly try to tell you how much sadness I feel knowing that the society around us embraces your manipulative and abusive behavior. But, as usual, you won’t listen and will try to shut me up with a kiss or a touch.

But that’s okay, because it will still be sunny outside.

•••

Dear L,

I still remember how gentle you looked the very first time I saw you dance. The way you swayed to the beat and how my heart grew fonder of you with every move you made. I lost myself in you the way you lost yourself in the music. Quietly, repeatedly, swiftly to the rhythm of every secret we shared. 

Unfortunately for us, the more the beat intensified, the more distant you became, until the hypnotic music could not save us.

I forgive you for choosing to leave and I want to thank you. Thank you for showing me different corners of your soul. Thank you for making me realize we were never right for each other. Thank you for being my mirror for a little while and for making me see that I deserve much more.

Now, I listen to a different beat.

•••

Dear HM, 

You will probably never read this and honestly I don’t mind that. I forgave you a long time ago, but I find myself having to always forgive you over and over again. You’re not here anymore, and I’m okay with that. I’m happy because you left. I lost you but that was not a loss at all. I thought you took my soul with you, but I didn’t even have a sense of personality or soul when you were around. I’m happy, successful, and finding myself in ways and places I never knew I could exist within. I found myself. You’re still going along trying to make yourself seem like the good guy, but little did you know that EVERYONE knew the truth before me. I guess sometimes that ring on my finger blinded me because marriage was supposed to be a good thing. I was supposed to believe you were good, but everyone knew when I didn’t. I forgive you wholeheartedly and I forgive myself for never giving myself more. I deserve much much more. Enjoy your life because you lost the best thing that ever happened to you. I hope one day you can also forgive yourself because it’s going to hit you eventually.

•••

Dear C, 

I loved you so completely I thought nothing could ever change us. There was a time I believed we would always be able to find one another. In the crazy, uncertain, and sometimes cruel world, I thought you would always be my constant. I suppose that's what it means to be foolish in love. 

It took me 4 years to get over you. 4 years of slowly drifting apart. 4 years of realizing we were not a good fit. 4 years missing the way you could make me laugh. 

I'm happy now, although I still miss that feeling of completeness. I wonder if you ever miss it too.

•••

Dearest V,

Amidst love and anguish I write this, to you, the one I feel the most emotions towards. 

The pain you go through on the daily, is immense. The burden on your shoulder, is heavy. It’s new. You were raised with a silver spoon up your ass, and now someone just came and pulled it straight out of there, and chucked it into the nearest bin. You showed me little tiny bits and pieces of vulnerability here and there, and claimed to have ‘opened up to me’. To my surprise, I betrayed you.

The thing is with you, you know where your voice lies, just like any Middle Eastern man that feeds off of the vulnerability of women. That loud voice manipulated me. It manipulated me into believe what was true and what was not. It gave me anxiety. It made me hurt myself. It made me give up what you Middle Eastern men glorified, my virginity, in order for me to prove my ever-so-pure emotion towards you, that they called love. The manipulation only escalated, I was punished for actions and decisions I made even before meeting you. The anxiety grew, the paranoia kicked in, and the longing for attention, love, and affection, took over. 

I was young, too young not to be living at home, in the comfort of my mother’s arms, that I only knew to be cold. I did not know what to do when you hurt me. I would only come back to you. Begging for forgiveness, asking for comfort with tears streaming down my face like there was no tomorrow. My voice wasn’t audible from the lack of oxygen circulating my body, and between each and every crack in my voice, I would murmur my apologies. In hopes of you actually feeling a slight dose of mercy towards me. 

Those times are forgiven, I am still striving to change you, and regain my sense of self-respect and empower myself even further. I still have hopes for us.

Needless to say, baba was right. I should have listened to him and stayed away from you. But you taught me A LOT. And because of that, 

I for•give you.

•••

Dear L,

It’s been a while now, 8 months. I don’t know what’s happening. I forgive you for everything you’ve done, for all the hurt and all the lies.

I don’t know what moving on really means but I know that when I see you I feel nothing. Even talking to you makes me feel nothing.

I met someone, no not one, a couple of people. But everytime I get too close to being in a relationship I start to compare everything they do with what you used to do and it’s either that they’re so like you or nothing like you.

You broke me. I don’t know what I want or who I am anymore.

But I’ll start from here: I forgive you. May what you did make me stronger and wiser.

•••

To myself, 

You are amazing. You are not any less deserving than any other girl just because society makes divorce seem like a bad thing. Your worth has been proven to you over and over again. You know you are okay and are doing great things. Love yourself and love will eventually find its way back to you. Forgive yourself and you will have more space for peace. You did nothing wrong except not give yourself all that you deserve.

•••

Dear World,

I feel like for a long time I blamed myself for everything that was happening around me and hid my feelings very deep to the point that I couldn’t let my tears out of express happiness in it's fullest meaning.

I am writing this letter to let the world know that today I’ve decided to face it and start the process of forgiveness for all the wars that have made me live a worrisome life for the past 19 years. For all the fear and sadness that you made me feel. For all the unfairness that I saw my family go through just because of where they are from. Forgiveness for how that made my parents raise me, with a mentality that I should keep hiding in the shadows and do what I am told to do according to society and the world's perspective of my background. I don't blame my parents at all. After all they did their best and raised us in a way that they thought was suitable based on the circumstances they went through. I love them as I am a 100% sure they did their best in raising me and my siblings.

And for all of that, I tell you that I am honestly willing to start the process of forgiveness. I have grown and become my own version of myself. A version that won’t allow anyone to decide what I should do and/or whether I should be apologetic about who I am and where I come from. I will always be proud of my origins and will not allow anyone to make me feel otherwise. Proud to be a Palestinian Muslim Human Being who deserves to live his life to the fullest. Everyone in this world with no exceptions at all deserves to be proud of who they are and pursue what they want without fearing judgement and oppression. The only barrier to pursuing that self identification journey is harming others, which is not acceptable under any condition even if it was being downplayed by terms such as “war casualties.”

I am declaring all of this today to make sure that my 4 year old son and the rest of my family get way better opportunities and support from me than what I am currently giving them because due to the fear of facing my feelings and limitations.

"Be the change that you wish to see in the world" - Mahatma Ghandi

•••

Dear _,

I gave unconditionally, to the point where I put everyone and everything else above my self. I was a bit lost as a teenager and it was hard to find the answers to my questions: who am I? What do I want? What do I prefer? 
It was easier for me to get answers from everyone around me and try to fulfill what makes them happy instead, thinking that this would make it easier for me to be happy as well. 
After a while I realized how harsh I was on myself and how much I needed my own attention. That has left my questions unanswered, I felt empty and neglected. After realizing this I became harsher with myself, blaming myself for not caring enough about myself which left me feeling even worse. I got stuck in a vicious cycle. It took me a while to start nourishing myself with love. 
I felt sorry for not loving myself enough, for not working hard to answer my questions, for not going after what I want, and for giving up on being a dreamer and fighting for what I believe in. I felt real sorrow but things changed when I started to feel NO SHAME. 
I truly forgave myself the day I deeply realized that i’m the only relationship that will last forever. I am the only me on this planet. No relationship is more important than the relationship I have with myself.

•••

Dear _,

I forgive you for being the one that got away..
I forgive you for loving me in a way that's different than what I needed.
I have been paralyzed inside and out since you left..
Meeting you the other night was a beautiful nightmare. Yes, I got the closure I needed, but the amount of pain I felt when I went to bed that night was indescribable. Because I really knew that this is our forever, and we wont be together again, ever.
I forgive you for being the most painful yet most beautiful experience of my life.. I am still processing that trauma and learning to appreciate beautiful things again. Seeing you made me feel like it was all worth it though. We are both okay people but we are not meant to be, at least not in this lifetime.. I hope one day my heart will be able to love at full capacity again.. And I hope you’ll love someone the way I loved you, and for them to love you the same.
I am starting to forgive myself for the paralysis and disconnection, especially the disconnection from my self.
I am trying everyday, and my sense of hope and strength are coming back.... 

Thank you for everything, you will always have a special place in my heart...

•••

Dear MH,

I had forgiven you prior to this. But now I not only forgive you, but I thank you for leaving my life. Not only did I find myself but I found the one who has shown me all that love is. I forgive you.

•••

Dear S,

You were my world, my soul and my everything.

We've been through a lot together, those years were some of the best in my life. They're just a memory now, both the good and the bad. To be honest, I had completely forgotten about you. Until I heard you have been trying to get in touch with me.

Years ago, when I first saw you in the busy morning street I never knew we would spend so many years falling in and out of love together. I could never remain angry at you, maybe that is why we kept getting back together. We had a lot of grand plans, it was the first time I ever pictured growing old with someone. It was the first time I used to wake up just to read a text from someone. Those were beautiful mornings. But I truly hope the last time we were together will remain the last time we were together. I won't lie, I truly hated you for a long time. I felt cheated, taken for granted and then tossed aside when I couldn't fit the picture perfect image you had in your head. I hated your family, everyone involved. For a few years after everything was over, I just joined the hook up culture in hopes of getting over you. That didn't help. I hated what I had become. I was cold, distant and ruthless. Hurting people the same way you used to hurt me. It took me a while, but I started dating again. Things didn't last, but I have since then learned that I can still love and be loved.

I know I tried to hurt you, and I hope you can forgive me for that. If not, then I hope you can forget. I know that I forgive you as I have forgiven myself. Because in the end, I wasn't angry at you but at myself. I shouldn't be angry at you, regardless of what happened. I hope you can find the same peace of mind that I have.

I wish you the best.

•••

Dear R,

To me, you were and are still, the perfect embodiment of grace and beauty and loveliness. I get that I may have come off as insincere because of my excitability, but that's just what I'm like, in addition to which, I've never loved a woman that way, nor am likely to again. I get that it may have all seemed a bit adolescent to you, that you were seeking something more grown up and friendly. But I wasn't capable of faking it, as much as I wished to be your friend as well, I cared too much to play it casual. I didn't feel casually about you, I wanted to be there for you through anything, I wanted to really know you, for you to open your heart to me, to do the same with you. I was also aware the intensity of my feelings would scare the crap out of you, so tried to play it cool until you felt comfortable taking a step closer to me. But I hope you'll understand why I didn't feel comfortable keeping it in the classroom. We are both adults and I simply wasn't comfortable with the power dynamic. I wanted to know you as an equal and a friend. I still do, except the intensity of my feelings terrifies me and keeps me paralysed. I miss and think of you every day. I also love a man, but the dynamic is different, it is easier, friendlier and more playful, it is like already being home and having arguments with myself. You completely disarm me, so I hope you'll forgive me for running away.
Your turtle dove.

•••

Dear perfect girl,

There were never really words for what exists between us, and there still aren't, although I have tried a thousand times. Anything I write I know will be slightly mawkish for your taste, and it is even for mine, but for me at least it is more honest than no expression at all. I forgive you for being different from me, for not being able to reach me the way I need. And I forgive you for the things I don't understand about you, although I appreciate them in themselves, I forgive you for inaction that hurts me because you can't help that my needs are different, and I can't help that yours are. Loving you is teaching me how much love is not need, nor dependency, but exists in spite of both of these things. It is a deep appreciation of another person for all that they are, and it is a privilege, even if it can only happen in silence and absence.

•••

Dear M,

I’m sorry for all the immaturity. I’m sorry for playing hot and cold because I couldn’t come forward with what I needed or wanted from you. I was confused and scared but most of all I was self destructive. I blamed it all on you but the truth is I played my part in it too. This doesn’t mean that your behavior was justifiable. I think we both share the responsibility for how things unfolded. I want to apologize for my part.

•••

Dear R,

The very thought of you still hurts me and I doubt I'll ever think of you neutrally. I didn't realise how close love and hate were until you. For my own peace of mind, of course I forgive you, but what you did I will never seek to justify, and however much my heart is breaking, I cannot reason things away to put you in the right. My love for you was the purest most sincere thing I have ever felt and it terrified me. Perhaps with good reason, since it has destroyed all that I used to be.

I don't think that person was 'wrong', or 'not good enough for you', she was simply different and I think I paid a high price for you misunderstanding her. I don't think hacking another person's personal data is ever justified, and it is certainly not something I'd ever do (unless they were a dangerous person hiding dangerous data, and I was a spy paid to do it, but given what I'm like, that's a far fetched scenario). I am at peace now, but the person you knew no longer exists, you have destroyed her with your contempt.

On some days I guess I consider that a privilege, the me that always exalted you far above me anyway, but the me that considered herself your equal will always be bitter over your failure to trust her and accept her as she was, warts and all, as she accepted and loved you. We won't be 'an item' in this lifetime, but God, just that phrase reveals how utilitarian relationships have become, and how limited our definition. I happen to believe it's worth communicating love, whatever its form and whether it's reciprocated the same way or not. So perhaps I'm too passionate for you and you're too seemingly detached for me, to make each other happy. It doesn't make love less real. I wanted to make you happy, with all my being. I just didn't know how.

I knew how to make me happy. And putting my life on hold for people who aren't quite sure isn't what I'm about. It doesn't mean I stop caring. But it doesn't mean I neglect my own happiness either. I guess I still love you, that I always will, I probably write much the same thing every time I write something to get you out of my head all the time and give the void some words. I cry every time I do too. The anger all gives way to more love, it's no use. I can't help but forgive you. But I won't seek any contact with someone who never really trusted me, and whom I no longer trust because of her callous actions. I always knew you had that in you, I guess I never thought you would use it against me, I hoped you thought of me much as I did you, that you cherished me too much, for all our differences. I was wrong. I still love you. I no longer know what that serves.

•••

Dearest J,

I’m fed up with your excuses and diversions. I don’t know what it would take for you to admit love is real and commit to it. I can’t take responsibility for all you struggle with, but I can be with you through it and try to understand. I wonder if anyone has ever made that promise to you before and meant it, and if you’d ever dare to believe them, or protect yourself with your armour of defensiveness and suspicion.

I know it’s easier for you to pretend you prefer your freedom than risk getting hurt, but you’ll hurt yourself more by denying yourself love. The same things will torture you on either side of the door, it’s all the same. My doors have always been too wide open, but you’d protect me from being too reckless with my time and energy, you’d help me channel it and find own feet, rather than wearing whatever shoes someone else thinks I should. I hate to admit I need someone for this but I do.

I know you fear someone needing you too much, because you fear what you might lose if you end up needing them too. I need people, but all the people I’ve known so far in life have maps to places I’ve never needed to go. That’s not their fault, but it’s why they’ve never been able to guide me to what I’m truly seeking. I need your map. I forgive you for all the shit you have given me and all the frustrations you’ve taken out on me, because I know it isn’t about me, and I can bear it because I understand you are only fighting yourself.

I’ve given up fighting myself, and in allowing what simply is I end up finding you, because you are all that is left. My old world has gone up in flames because the more I opened up to you, the more I realised I no longer belonged there. So I stopped fighting and I let it go. I’m still grieving for all I’m leaving behind, all that I’ve learned to love and understand. But I never needed any of it and I don’t belong there.

•••

Dear Me,

You’ve done so much for others that you forgot yourself. When you gave love, you did not see yourself. When you gave your shoulder to lean on, you failed to realize that you did not have a pillar for yourself. When you wiped their tears, you did not allow yours to fall. When you raised your voice for them, you silenced your thoughts. When you encouraged them to move forward, you caged yourself in the past. While you kept focusing on the others, you blurred yourself from your life.

I forgive you. But, I ask you to put yourself first. Especially, when it comes to love. Do not feel guilty for realizing your worth. Do not blame yourself for not being there for them, when you needed yourself the most. Be brave for yourself. Be grateful for being yourself. And, give yourself the respect you deserve.

And, then, maybe, I’ll forgive you. I hope I will be able to, one day.

•••